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I have the 9mm and have held the 45, I'd say the 45 is only fractionally larger, in fact I plan on getting one soon. If you still don't a good answer by then I will measure both and report back.
 

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I've had the XDM 9. I would say the large backstrap on the 9 is close to the feel of the .45 with small backstrap in comparisons I've done. It's a larger frame handgun naturally. So the small on the 9 is going to be a lot smaller than the small on the .45. Aslo the .45 has more width in the grip.
 

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On the XDm they are the same size. I measured them at the dealer today and was surprised. The slide and top of the frame is larger but the grip is identical on the outside. The inside of the grip is more open on the .45 than the 9mm -- by inside I mean the magazine area.
 

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my brother owns the 9mm and 40, I own the 45, neither of us have ever even touched our backstraps and neither of us even notice the difference between the three. there is a slight difference but it's nothing that really stands out like the difference between an M&P and a glock
 
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