Ole, Lena and a Cow Mishap....

Discussion in 'XDTalk Chatter Box' started by jmichna, Jan 11, 2011.

  1. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

    As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancé, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay.'

    The doctor told him, 'Ole, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.

    Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go south on their honeymoon to Duluth.

    That night in the Motel-6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Ole...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

    Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis Lena... still in DA CRATE!' ;)
     
  2. tom_d

    tom_d XDTalk 15K Member

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    Nyuck, nyuck nyuck!!
     
  3. community

    community XDTalk 5K Member Founding Member

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    lol lol lol
     
  4. Spike

    Spike XDTalk 500 Member

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    Government surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked
    if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a
    nice meal at noontime.

    After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You were so kind to
    us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by letter."

    "What's the bad news?” asked Ole.

    "Well, your farm is right on the state line," the surveyor said, "and
    after our work was completed, we discovered your farm is not in
    Minnesota, it's actually in Iowa."

    "That's the best news I've had in a long time, said Ole. "I was just
    telling Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter
    in Minnesota!"
     
  5. slugger6

    slugger6 XDTalk 90K Member Founding Member

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    Keep 'em comin'. :)
     
  6. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    When Ole and Lena were young and in love they would got to their favorite spot to park.

    One night while hugging and kissing Ole asks Lena, "Lena how would you like to go in the back?"

    "No," she replies.

    So they hug and kiss some more.

    Again, Ole asks Lena to go in the back.

    Lena replies, "Ole, why are you always asking me to go in the back, I want to stay in front with you!"
     
  7. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena Said, "Ole, you can go farther if ya vant to"... so Ole drove to Duluth.
     
  8. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

    Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

    The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

    So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"
     
  9. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    The Mailman was making a delivery to Ole's house and noticed a Penguin walking around the side yard. After asking Ole where it came from and finding out that it just showed up a couple of days before, he told Ole that Penguins don't normally walk around Minnesota and maybe Ole should take him to the Zoo. Ole agreed with him and said he would do it this afternoon.

    The next day while driving by Ole's the Mailman noticed the Penguin was still there. He stopped and said to Ole, " I thought you said you were going to take the Penguin to the Zoo yesterday."

    Ole replied, "I did, and we had so much fun that dis afternoon we are going to a Twins game."
     
  10. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

    "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."

    "How come?" asked Lars.

    "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

     
  11. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole and Sven loved to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about a good lake and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

    So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, Ole was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

    Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and Ole left.

    In about an hour, he was back. He said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

    The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

    "Not very well at all, " Ole said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
     
  12. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole was staggering home after a long night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Ole asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
     
  13. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Norway," replies the second man.

    The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway."

    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are you from?"

    "Bergen," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to Bergen."

    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "Where did you live?"

    "On a boat, at the fishing docks," replies the second man.

    "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishing docks, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

    "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are drunk again."
     
  14. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

    "Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."

    "No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.

    "Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.

    "Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"

    At that point, Lena spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue with Ole ven he's been drinking."
     
  15. jmichna

    jmichna XDTalk 25K Member Founding Member

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    Ole and his buddy Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There's no fish under the ice."

    Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, " There's no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up.

    Ole said, "Are you God?"

    The voice spoke back, "No, the ice rink attendant."
     

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