Jokes du Jour!

Discussion in 'XDTalk Chatter Box' started by rev-arb, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    It would seem there is more PV than laughter.....and that is not right. Come on and post a good joke to lighten, brighten, and make the day better.



    THE BLONDES FLAT TIRE

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

    She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

    "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer..

    "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers.
     
  2. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."
     
  3. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    Lars was staggering home after a night in the tavern. A Lutheran minister saw him and offered to help him get home safely. As they approached the house, Lars asked the minister to step inside for a moment. He explained, "I vant Lena to see who I have been out vith."
     
  4. USMC-8154TL/DM

    USMC-8154TL/DM XDTalk 5K Member

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    had to forward it thanks rev
     
  5. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    One early spring Ole and Sven were contemplating how they would fertilize the north forty field. Then they got the idea that they could use all of the manure that has accumulated in the out house. It would accomplish two things, clean out the out house and fertilize the field. But then as they got in to the project the figured how long it would take to dig all of the poo out of the deep hole. Sven then thought, "what if wees take sum dynamite and sticks in da gound, den boom it vill go all over da north fordy." Ole liked the idea so the took the dynamite put it deep in that hole and stretched the fuse over behind the barn. They then lit the fuse and watched it head for the out house. Just feet before the lit fuse was to hit the dynamite out of the back porch come Ole's wife Lena running to the out house. Before the two men could say anything, Lena had the closed the door and one second later......BOOM. Up into the air went the out house, all of the poo went it way to the north forty. Then down came the out house to rest on the very sport were it previously rested and a stunned Lena staggered out. As the two men run up to her, Lena exclaims to them, "Whew dis da goot ting dat I did not let dat von go in da kitchen!"
     
  6. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    When Ole went to play cards with da boys his friend Lars asked him, " Why is it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."
    Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly? Dis way I don't never have to kiss her goodbye."
     
  7. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    One fine spring day, Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
    "Oh, no", Ole protested, "I vas only doing thirty, Officer."
    "No, you were doing fifty", replied the cop.
    "Really, Officer, I vas only doing thirty", Ole replied stubbornly.
    "Well", sniffed the cop, "I clocked you doing fifty!"
    At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. "Officer...you really shouldn't argue vit Ole ven he's been drinking."
     
  8. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    By the way.......My theme to day is Ole and Lena jokes!
     
  9. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    LENA WAS in the bathtub when the door bell rrrang.
    "Who is it?" she called out.
    "Blind man," came the answer from the front door.
    Lena got out of the tub, walked straight to the front door without so much as a stitch of clothes, and threw open the door.
    There stood a man who asked, "Where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
     
  10. aiformula

    aiformula XDTalk 3K Member

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    Why did the scotsman fall off the cliff?

    He couldn't make the ewe turn. :)
     
  11. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    LOL
     
  12. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    Post Your jokes here!
     
  13. rodder

    rodder XDTalk 500 Member

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    hey, you stole my idea!! ;)
     
  14. rev-arb

    rev-arb XDTalk 10K Member

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    Just post it here then!
     
  15. gotnspikes

    gotnspikes XDTalk 1K Member

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    just posted this in another forum but you asked for it:

    Three golfing buddies were in the club house drinking beer and talking about how they had just lost the fourth guy of there weekly foursome. As they were discussing what they were going to do for a replacement, a woman who had overheard their delema, walked up to them and asked if she could join them to become the fourth person. The guys were taken back and weren't sure that they wanted a woman in their foursome. She said, "how about I golf with you next week and you can decide then". She said she will show up at 7:30 or 7:45.

    Next week comes and she is there promptly at 7:30. They golf and she golfs right handed and sets a course record. All the guys buy her beer and everyone is quite happy with the day. The guys told her to come back next week to golf with them. She says she'll show up at 7:30 or 7:45.

    Next week comes and she is there are 7:30. She golfs left handed this time and golfs even better than last week. The guys are astounded and readily agree to have her join the foursome permanently.

    After a couple of beers and in attempt to get to know her a little better, one of the guys asks her "how do you decide if you are going to golf left handed or right handed?". She says "well, when I'm getting out of bed I peek at my husbands member. If it is laying to the right, I golf right handed. If it is laying to the left, I golf left handed." The guy asks, "what if it is pointing straight up?". She answers, "I'll be here at 7:45."
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
     
  16. Pinedawg

    Pinedawg XDTalk 1K Member Founding Member

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    Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the
    middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the
    discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class
    for an example of a "tragedy."

    One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
    farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
    him dead, that would be a tragedy."

    No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader."That's what we
    would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
    Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an
    example of a tragedy?"

    Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
    voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a
    missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson , "That's right. And can you tell me why that
    would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and
    it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
     
  17. Pinedawg

    Pinedawg XDTalk 1K Member Founding Member

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    Bob was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car
    and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

    Resuming the journey, Bob tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Bob.

    "What in bag?" asked the old man. Bob looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

    The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

    Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade."
     
  18. gotnspikes

    gotnspikes XDTalk 1K Member

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    Lots of jokes in the forums lately. Very refreshing.
     
  19. mpak87

    mpak87 XDTalk 500 Member Founding Member

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    So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, two rednecks, three gay guys, a priest, a lawyer, a rabbi, three mexicans, a black guy and a midget walk into a bar. the bartender says "what, is this some kind of joke?"
     
  20. Sirius1963

    Sirius1963 XDTalk 2K Member

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    ^^^ My FIL will like this one.

    Did you know a Norwegian invented the toilet seat?



    Three years later, the Germans cut a hole in it! :p
     

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