Dealing with disrespectful family

Discussion in 'XDTalk Chatter Box' started by iwannadie, Nov 29, 2009.

  1. iwannadie

    iwannadie XDTalk 500 Member

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    Ok, this is gonna be half long winded rant half seeking advice, I'm sure someone has been in similar situations or just an outside opinion would be good.

    My family(sister, her husband and 2 nieces 15 & 16) are really my only family locally and I enjoy hanging out with them. There has however been a progressively worsening problem when they come to my house. They treat my house like a cheap hotel or something. They are messy, break things and just in general have no respect for my house. This has seriously limited their coming to my house which is a shame because that means less time with my family.

    My GF has been seriously annoyed with this to the point she just stays in the bedroom to avoid them entirely.

    A few examples that happened recently. My nieces were in the living room and needed scissors for something. The one goes to the kitchen and grabs the scissors and Throws them across the room onto the couch. Firstly, who throws scissors and the parents don't intervene?? Then they land on my micro suede couch... I confront them asking why would they throw scissors to which I got a 'they landed on the couch it's ok'. Then, I mention that I like my couch and don't want holes in it. Their dad takes the attitude that I'm being a snob and over protective, it's just a couch.

    At this point I'll mention their house is a total sobbingly pig sty. They would have no worries about adding more holes to their own couch.

    Another regular problem is them eating. They make a huge mess and there's no attempt to clean anything up. I've watched them eat chips and half what they attempt to eat ends up on the floor. They(nieces and their dad) will ignore anything that lands on the floor or just kick it under the table out of the way.

    Again, that behavior goes on at their own home as well. However I've seen them at other friends houses and they don't act that way.

    Their dad seems to reinforce this type of behavior of disrespect for anything. His reasoning is he grew up poor so he doesn't care about material possessions. I grew up poor myself and that has led me to have high respect for stuff I own as I know its value. It's easy to say "oh its just stuff it doesn't mean anything". Well, that stuff cost me money and I work hard to earn my money.

    My older niece has been through 5+ cell phones in 2 years. She would literally just throw her phone across the room for a laugh. When it breaks she would just get a new one. When I was a kid if I had thrown something and it broke, guess what I didn't get a replacement. We used to buy them a bunch of nice things for christmas but it is depressing to see something trashed instantly and then thrown away. We got them some jewelry one year, most of the stuff didn't make it past christmas day!

    I'm not sure how to deal with this without upsetting anyone more than needed. Again, I've made comments about how things get broken when they are around and I just get the attitude in return. They try to act like I keep all my possessions in plastic bubbles scared anything will get touched. I just can't make them understood that stuff like throwing scissors on my expensive couch is just disrespectful.

    /rant
     
  2. psc

    psc XDTalk 5K Member Founding Member

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    I'd have a long talk with your sister...no sense avoiding the topic. Then I would let your BIL know straight up that he is a pig and an idiot and until he pulls his stuff together he won't be allowed in your house.

    I wouldn't kick his behind just yet...you might be doing them a favor by educating them and showing them ''how to get it right".

    They are family, so I say they are worth the effort. You'll know when and if to pull the plug on these cave people.
     
  3. iCreek

    iCreek XDTalk 4K Member

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    I say if your serious with your GF, get to know her family and spend more time with them, than yours. Just an idea and I see where your coming from, hate to lose what family you have, but sounds like they are out of control.
     
  4. NC Dave

    NC Dave XDTalk 1K Member

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    You have to put your foot down. It is your house - they have to live by your rules. They can do whatever they want in their own home.

    If they cannot respect you or your property, I would suggest they find a nice hotel in the area. You can meet them over there for "family time" and they can settle up with the hotel manager for the damages when they check out.
     
  5. sud123

    sud123 XDTalk 100 Member Founding Member

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    It's your house. Your rules apply. End of story. Really, even though they are family, if you don't set the rules, nothing changes.
     
  6. xdmp22

    xdmp22 XDTalk 5K Member

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    a think in the future a few pamphlets from motel 6 or any motel that can be rented by the hour may send a good message, or actually it may be cheaper the next time they come in town to have reservations at one and when they show up hand it to them and say, have a nice time.

    i agree with you, i did not grow up poor but i am currently on my own with two kids and tend to value everything i own and dont want it disrespected. the more money i save on essentials, the more money i have for wants (like more XD's and ammo)

    your feelings are valid on this, find a way to put ur foot down and show them this behavior will not be tolerated.

    i photocopy of you gun permit with the pamphlets night be a good idea too :p
     
  7. iwannadie

    iwannadie XDTalk 500 Member

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    Thanks for all the input, just to clarify a little. They live like 15 minutes from me lol, not to say suggesting they go to a motel instead of my house isn't a valid idea.

    I guess an actual sit down talk with my sister and BIL are the way to go. I just feel bad, my sister isn't so much a cause for the goings on at my house and will get emotional. She is a huge part of the problem though as she cleans up after them at home which supports the behavior. Maybe a talk will be a bit of an eye opener for them for how they act at my house and at home. I mean, we aren't invited to their house because you literally can't sit on the couch usually for all the clutter/junk. The kitchen table is burred under god knows what and they tend to eat standing lol.

    Just blows my mind to think about how I would feel going to someone's house and acting like they do.
     
  8. xdmp22

    xdmp22 XDTalk 5K Member

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    well in that case, send them this link...

    Hoarders - A&E TV :)
     
  9. Jarhead1987

    Jarhead1987 XDTalk 1K Member

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    From personal experience with people like that.

    They will not change, ever.

    They do not want to change and you can't make them.

    If you want to see them, go visit them at their house.

    I would definitely make an effort to spend more time with your girlfriends' family.
     
  10. einheit 13

    einheit 13 XDTalk 5K Member Founding Member

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    Its very simple...if ya can't respect my house and my things, you can visit me from the yard. This is MY house, not yours. If ya can't deal with it. stay home.
     
  11. KingArthur

    KingArthur XDTalk 5K Member Founding Member

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    I watched crappy, selfish, abusive relatives all my formative life, and my parents putting up with it. I vowed, that when I was a man in my own place I would never tolerate such crap. I have made pretty good on that vow. I have spoken to my sister about once this year, and it wasn't on purpose.
     
  12. mongoose33

    mongoose33 XDTalk 2K Member Founding Member

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    Suggestion about when you sit down with them:

    If you're accusatory, you'll put them on the immediate defensive (and lord knows, you have right to be accusatory). But that won't solve anything.

    Maybe something like this:

    "I'm concerned about something here that's really bothering me. I feel as if, when you come over to my place, that you don't respect me. Maybe that's not how you intend it, but it's easy for me to feel that way since things are literally thrown around, stuff dropped on the floor and not cleaned up, and so on.

    Maybe it's odd that I feel this way, but it is how I feel.

    Yes, things are just material things, but I think that out of respect for me, you should treat my belongings as if they are my precious property. I understand that, for you, they're not that important, but as for me, I paid good money for them, and I would like to keep them in the same shape they are now.

    I don't think that's materialistic--I think it's just being frugal and careful.

    I don't think you do this at others' houses, so it makes me wonder why it is ok to do it in my place?"


    You have a right to be treated with respect, and that goes for your place and your personal property. My guess is they'll take this personally and wrong, but what alternative have you?

    If they choose--and I mean choose--not to respect either you or your stuff, you have a couple of choices:

    1. Live with it, if maintaining family ties is important, and either buy crap they can't wreck or costs little if they do, or hide anything they might damage before they come over.

    2. Don't allow them to come over, and accept whatever kind of reaction they have as the price of your own peace of mind.


    Personally, being treated like you've been treated would anger me. If they cannot, or will not change, you simply have to separate yourself from them.
     
  13. Bellevue_Dude

    Bellevue_Dude XDTalk 100 Member Founding Member

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    >>>>I'm not sure how to deal with this without upsetting anyone more than needed.

    That's not possible. You need to decide what comes first--your way of life, your chosen mate (GF) and home or the folks that disrespect you. If you decide that your property and self respect come first, set ground rules and enforce them --strictly and promptly.

    The outcome will surely result in conflict and unpleasant behavior from your disrespecting visitors. If you hold the line, what happens next will depend on them --they will either stay away and rubbish you or adjust and behave. Chances are they will stay away and rubbish you. If you can't live with that, learn how to repair furniture and how to do some meditation tricks to lower your blood pressure...
     
  14. swift

    swift XDTalk 100 Member

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    This post is so like my sister that it's almost creepy. The personal disrespect to me and my wife were intolerable and I did exactly what mongoose33 suggested. It worked but she thought there was a line that was crossed by my even bringing it up to her. It got to the point where I had no option but tell her that I would rather have no relationship with someone than a bad one, it was her choice, but the disrespect has to stop. She chose and we've hardly spoken since except for emergencies. She tried dishing dirt on me around the family but after a short while they started figuring it out and now she's the odd one out at gatherings. Be firm, my friend, and patient too. Your sister and BIL will be stubborn, but patience beats stubbornness every time.
     
  15. ryr8828

    ryr8828 XDTalk 3K Member

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    I wouldn't let them in my house.
     

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