Carnivorous' Monster Boudreau Joke Thread!

[afmo]

win

[Carnivorous]

The only seat available on the train to London was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged French woman and this seat was being used by her poodle.

Boudreau, the weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Cannot you see, Monsieur, my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again Boudreau asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....imagine!”

The American didn’t say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An Englishman in a bowler hat sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly “You know, good sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobile on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b**** out the window.”

[Carnivorous]

Boudreau and his wife were shown into the dentist’s office, where Boudreau made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“Don’t waste my time or money, Doc,” he ordered, “No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Boudreau turned to his wife. “Show him, honey.”

[Carnivorous]

Mary decided to surprise her husband Boudreau with a parrot for his birthday. At the local pet store, the one parrot available was priced at $29.95.

“Why so inexpensive?” she asked the pet store owner.

“Well, he used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes says vulgar things.”

Since Boudreau’s birthday was the next day, she went ahead and bought the bird.

In his new cage in the living room, the bird looked at her and said: “New house, new madam.”

Oh, thought Mary, that’s really not that bad.

Her two teenage daughters returned from school. The parrot eyed them and said: “New house, new madam, new girls.”

They had a good laugh over this; considering where the parrot had lived, this was still not that bad.

Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Boudreau!”

[Carnivorous]

Boudreau is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the comer of his eye:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS * HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION * 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon Boudreau sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS * HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION * 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. A third sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS * HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION * NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS * WELCOME

Boudreau climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly . . .doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, “Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway”.

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. Boudreau trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[Carnivorous]

Boudreau was walking along a California beach and was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord spoke to him:

“Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

Boudreau said, “Can you build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want?”

God answered, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking! The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”

Boudreau thought about it for a long time.

Finally Boudreau asked, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make her truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

[Carnivorous]

A man named Boudreau and a woman - strangers to each other – found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly . . . Boudreau in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, Boudreau leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” Boudreau exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own damn blanket!”

[Carnivorous]

A kindergarten class in a small rural Cajun school had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy called upon (T-Boy Boudreau), walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

“It’s a period,” said T-Boy.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said T-Boy, “but dis morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and ole Thibodeau next door shot himself.”

[Carnivorous]

Mabel Boudreau, who is a 60 year old Cajun woman, goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her thoroughly and says “Mais cher, I’ve got good news and bad news for you.” Mabel said “What’s de good news?” The doctor says “You are in wonderful shape. I can’t find anything at all wrong with you.” Mabel then asked “What’s de bad news?” The doctor said “You’re pregnant!” Upon hearing dis, Mabel flew out of his office in a rage. She was very upset, and ran all de way home and called her husband (Boudreau) at work. When he answered, she said “You old goat-you got me pregnant!” After a long pause, Boudreau replied “Who’s calling?”

[Carnivorous]

On their 25th wedding anniversary Boudreau and his wife decided to go to the same place they went on their honeymoon. As they were driving through the country Boudreau said “baby, let’s do the same thing we did last time we were here.” So they stopped the car, got out, and made love like never before.

When they were done, Boudreau exclaimed “you didn’t move like that 25 years ago!”

Boudreau’s wife said “25 years ago the fence wasn’t electrified!”