Carnivorous' Monster Boudreau Joke Thread!

[Carnivorous]

The Lousiana State Police realized that **** fights were common around Lafayette so the decided to send in their best detective, Boudreau. Boudreau went to Lafayette and came back to report who was involved.

“Dey is tree main groups in dis **** fightin’“ he reportd. “Who are they?” his sargent asked. Boudreau replied “De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de mafia.” “How do you know?”

“Well” said Boudreau, “I don seed dat **** fight, ya.” “I knowed de Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in de **** fight.” “What about the others?” “Well I knowed de Cajuns was involved wen sumbody bet on de duck. You know dem Cajuns are stoopid, de bet on anything.”

“How did you deduce the mafia was involved?” “De duck won.”

[Carnivorous]

Boudreau died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreau. When Boudreau arrived, the Devil asked, “Hey Boudreau, how do you like the heat down here?”

Boudreau says, “Mais, it’s just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July.”

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreau woke up, the Devil asked him, “NOW how do you like it down here?”

Boudreau says, “Mais, it’s fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche.”

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreau woke up, the Devil asked him, “How you like it NOW, Boudreau?”

Boudreau, shivering, through blue lips, says, “Mais cher, I’m one happy Cajun!”

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, “What do you mean you’re one happy Cajun?!!”

Boudreau, still shivering says, “The Saints done won the Superbowl!”

[Carnivorous]

Pierre and Boudreau found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office -- you know ... the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that Pierre and Boudreau could get some money from the State while out of a job.

So Pierre and Boudreau went to the LSU office.

As Pierre waited, Boudreau sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.

“And what was your former occupation?” she asked.

“Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants.” Boudreau proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, “OK, you’re eligible for $50 a week.”

“You mean I don’t gotta do nothin’ and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin’!” Boudreau shouted.

Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.

Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, “I was one a dem diesel fitters.”

She looked up in her big book again and said “Very good then, you’re eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits.”

“Wait a minute!” Boudreau shouted. “Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he’s only a diesel fitter. And he’s gonna make at least twice more dan me?!”

“Oh,” the lady replied, “but he’s a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There’s not many diesel specialists around.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady,” Boudreau continued, “you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre’s a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks ‘em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, ‘Yep, dese’ll fit her!’“

[Carnivorous]

One day, Boudreau had a sign in his yard that read “Boat for Sale.”

Pierre came by and said, “Boudreau ... tell me sometin ... why you got dat sign in dat yard dat say ‘Boat for Sale’? Mais, you ain’t got no boat!”

Boudreau replied “Mais no I don’t got no boat, but see my car over dare by dat sign?”

Pierre responded “Mais yeah I see dat car.”

Boudreau then said “And see my trailor over dare by dat sign?”

Pierre said “Mais yeah I see dat trailor.”

Boudreau said “Mais Pierre, dey boat for sale, wats de matter wid you!”

[Carnivorous]

When Boudreau was a little boy he was called “Tee-Boudreau”. “Tee Boudreau” lived with his family in a house with no indoor plumbing. Instead they had an outhouse out in the back of the house. His dad, Papa Boudreau, wanted the best he could get for the Boudreau family. So they had a “two holer” outhouse so that two people could “go” at the same time.

One day Tee-Boudreau and Papa Boudreau were both in the outhouse when Tee-Boudreau saw his Papa accidentally drop a quarter into the hole.

Tee-Boudreau noticed his Papa thinking about something a while then reach into his pocket, pull out a dollar bill, and drop it into the hole where the quarter had gone.

Tee-Boudreau saw this and said, “Mais, Papa what you dropped dat dollar bill into dat hole for?!”.

Papa Boudreau said, “May Tee-Boudreau, I didn’t have de heart do send you down dere for just a quarter!”

[Carnivorous]

One day, Boudreau was sitting on his porch and a truck drove up to Boudreau’s house and a man stepped out. The man introduced himself to Boudreau, told Boudreau that he was from Texas, and that he was getting some information about land in the area.

The Texan said, “Mr. Boudreau, how much land do you have here where you live?”

Boudreau said, “Mais, I have about two acres.”

The Texan said, “That’s not much land. Back in Texas where I’m from, it takes me just about all day to drive my truck down my driveway to my house.”

Boudreau thinks about what the Texan said for a while and then responds, “Yeah, I used to have a truck like dat.”

[Carnivorous]

One day Boudreau went to the doctor to get a check up. Boudreau says to the doctor, “Mais you know something doc ... my wife Clotile, she’s having trouble wit her hearing.”

De doc say, “Well Boudreau, how bad is it?”

“Mais doc I don’t know how bad it really is but she don’t seem to hear me at all. Whats de best way to find out how bad her hearing is?”

De doc say, “Boudreau, when you get home stand about 20 feet behind Clotile and say something in your regular voice. If Clotile don’t respond then move up 10 feet and try again. If you don’t get any response again move up 5 feet and try, then if you don’t get any response move right up behind her and try.”

When Boudreau got home, Clotile was wash dem dish in de sink so he get about 20 feet back and say, “Clotile what we havin for dinner?”

Mais there was no response, so he move up 10 feet and say dat again. Still no response so he move up 5 feet and try. Nothing...

“Hunh, it worse dan I tought,” Boudreau say to himself.

He move right up behind Clotile now and ax her one mo time, “Clotile, what we havin for dinner?”

Clotile turned, looked at him and said, “for the fourth time, I said we havin’ chicken and rice!”

[Carnivorous]

One day Clotile went to the doctor and she told the doctor “Mais, doc, I got dis problem ... when me & Boudreau make love one time, I’m cold ... den de next time we make love, I’m hot ... den de next time, I’m cold ... and it goes on like dat.”

The doctor thought about this a minute and asked Clotile how often she and Boudreau made love.

Clotile said, “Mais doc, I don’t know why you ask me dat but me and Boudreau make love twice a year -- one time in June, den again in December, den again in June, den again in December!”

[Carnivorous]

The Houston Zoo was transporting a large female gorilla to New Orleans’ Audubon Zoo. Just outside of Lafayettte, the gorilla begins to go crazy, making it difficult to drive the transport truck. The zookeepers realized that the gorilla was in heat and pulled off at the next exit to try to figure out what to do to calm the gorilla down.

One of the zookeepers suggested that they find someone to mate with her to hold her over until they could make it to New Orleans. Just then, ol’ Boudreau comes walking down the street toward the truck. The zookeeper approached Boudreau and said, “Excuse me, sir, but I have a proposition for you. How about $50 to mate with that gorilla in the back of our truck?”

Boudreau began to scratch his head and thought about the proposition for a minute. Boudreau then said “I’ll do it, but I got three requests.”

The zookeepers asked what his requests were.

Boudreau replied, “First ... nobody gonna watch because it is kinda embarrasin. Second, don’t tell my mama -- she’s a good Catlick, goes to church every Sunday, and would not like to hear about dis.”

The zookeepers then asked, “That’s fine Boudreau, but what is your third request?”

Boudreau hesitated a while then said, “Ummmm, can dis wait ‘til Friday? Dat’s when I get paid.”

[Carnivorous]

Boudreau’s wife, Clotile, went to the local newspaper and said she wanted to put in the Obituary Column that Boudreau died.

The editor said that it would be $1.00 per word. Clotile said, “Here’s $2.00 - just put ‘BOUDREAU DIED’.”

The editor said, “Mrs. Boudreau, surely you want more dan dat.”

Clotile said, “Mais, no, just ‘BOUDREAU DIED’.”

The editor said, “Well, Mrs. Boudreau, I know you’re a little upset. Bring yourself back tomorrow and you will probably tink of somethin else.”

Clotile came back the next day, and said, “Yeh, I taught of somethin else, put ‘BOUDREAU DIED, BOAT FOR SALE’.”