Chili Cookoff

[brian40]

I have seen this before, but for those who haven't


CHILI COOKOFF~ This is TOO funny not to pass on!!!!
>
> Texas Chili: If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter
> running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
> If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
> judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are
> from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
> the East Coast:
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
> the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
>
>
> I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
> beer during the tasting. That's all I needed to know. So I accepted". Here are
> the scorecards from the event:
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 1
>
> Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh**, what the **** is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2
>
> Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
> taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
> Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
> my face.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3
>
> Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
> snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before
> I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
> part of my chest. I'm getting sh**-faced from all of the beer.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4
>
> Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
> foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across
> my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
> Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400-lb.
> ***** is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili #5
>
> Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef,
> could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
> me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
> lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6
>
> Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
> and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh** myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
> my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7
>
> Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
> Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh** to match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> in my stomach.
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8
>
> Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
> he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[dark_syde99]

LOL- thanks for the good laugh! Kinda reminded me of when I participated in the local Fire Games........ BURP!!!!

[manygunner]

I miss the south west, I live in a gringo land now. I miss the question "red or green?" when I order chile. Lucky for me I got a connection smuggling me Hatch chiles from NM to keep my tastebuds happy.

[pamato9]

Brian,
I have been looking for that story for years now. it brough me to tears the first time I read it. Glad to have it back.

thanks