Looking "forward" to your first Colonoscopy?

[jmichna]

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ....' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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Comment: It is as he describes!

[Paul]

Truly LOL! A smiley face would not do your post justice.

[1lowlife]

That is a great & funny post.
I'm due to get one done butt (tee hee), I've been putting it off.
I'm happy for you that everything worked out...

[tortminder]

Just be sure that there is no more than one of your proctologists hands on your shoulders at one time.

The description of the "prep" in his case was MILD.

No matter what you go through, go through the colonoscopy. Colon cancer is a horrible thing to experience.

[bigun]

Originally Posted by tortminder

Just be sure that there is no more than one of your proctologists hands on your shoulders at one time.

The description of the "prep" in his case was MILD.

No matter what you go through, go through the colonoscopy. Colon cancer is a horrible thing to experience.

I just had mine done shortly after my 40th Birthday, the proceedure was nothing but the prep was hell. I have a family history of colon cancer so for me it was peace of mind more than anything. Get it done folks the alternative is not pretty.

[jnclement]

I had my first one done when they didn't knock you out. You had to take it like a man......

Not a great memory.

[Radio Relay]

Been there, done that. The prep sucked, for sure. The procedure was humiliating, and in my case they pump some air up there so they can see better, I guess. I was farting like crazy all the way home... which didn't please the wife, because she had to drive...

Actually, the prostate biopsy I just went through was worse that the colonoscopy. They go through the same orifice, but this time with a needle gun that fires needles into the prostate through the walls of the colon. They fired 17 needles, for 17 tissue samples... It had me down for a couple days, and had nasty side effects. Fortunately, the biopsy came back negative.

Growing old sucks, and definitely is not for wimps!!!

[fastboy]

I agree the prep is the worst part. After the procedure finally starts, it's over in no time. Conscious sedation is a wonderful thing.

[RSfireman]

Went through that a couple yrs ago. Actually had diverticulitis (little pockets in my intestines that caught little pieces of food ie seeds and became infected).You're right the prep sucked! My stuff was called FLEET. Imagine that ! But on A SERIOUS NOTE THESE TEST ARE NECESSARY. I ended up losing approx;3ft of intestine over it. Now i don't have to go back for 5 yrs.

[Dave Starr]

I had Fleet Phospho-soda for the prep. It's got to be one of the worst tasting things in the world. I'd rather be waterboarded.
It's a good idea to be on the throne when you drink it - results are instantaneous! I did learn that mixing it with VERY COLD ginger ale helps, but it's got to be COLD.

Got to the hospital, got wheeled into the room, and the Dr. was running late, so I had 20 minutes to study the implements of torture. Then, the nurse came in - the most gorgeous gal I've seen in many a year - an 11, at least. She puts a needle in the IV & I'm out like a light. When I wake up, she's gone. Now, that's unfair!