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cookieXD40 · 05-18-2008, 07:55 PM

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood urdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending a company party. He was not normally a drinker, but the vodka went down smoothly. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. He had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw was aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. He took the aspirin, went to the bathroom to shave and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the mirror. Then he noticed a note with little hearts on it and a kiss in lipstick hanging on the corner of the mirror:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I am at the grocery picking up things to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Your beloved wife,
Janie

He stumbled to the kitchen and there was a hot breakfast, a fresh pot of coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also there. Jack asked, "What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind, fell over the coffee table and broke it, puked on the hall carpet, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, why do I have a fresh rose and breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $439.99
Hot Breakfast $6.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!

Reeek · 05-18-2008, 08:02 PM

I remember a variation of that first one from a long time ago but I laugh everytime I read it!

andyg · 05-18-2008, 09:16 PM

Those were pretty funny

05-18-2008, 07:55 PM	#1
cookieXD40 XDTalk 100 Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Amarillo, Texas Posts: 275	oldies but goodies This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood urdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending a company party. He was not normally a drinker, but the vodka went down smoothly. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. He had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw was aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. He took the aspirin, went to the bathroom to shave and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the mirror. Then he noticed a note with little hearts on it and a kiss in lipstick hanging on the corner of the mirror: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I am at the grocery picking up things to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Your beloved wife, Janie He stumbled to the kitchen and there was a hot breakfast, a fresh pot of coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also there. Jack asked, "What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk out of your mind, fell over the coffee table and broke it, puked on the hall carpet, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused Jack asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, why do I have a fresh rose and breakfast on the table waiting for me?" His son replied, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" Broken Coffee Table $439.99 Hot Breakfast $6.20 Two Aspirin $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS! __________________ check out my myspace... http://www.myspace.com/eatin_smoke *XD 40 4" Service* Stoeger 12 gauge P350 old High Standard 20 Gauge old High Standard 22lr *16"M4 Del-ton rifle upper and a superior arms lower receiver with a center point v*ariable scope! NRA Member *Rules of EMS* 1. If you drop the baby, pick up the baby 2. All bleeding stops, eventually 3. Never go further into the scene than the first dead cop

05-18-2008, 08:02 PM	#2
Reeek XDTalk 1K Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Reno, NV Posts: 1,781	I remember a variation of that first one from a long time ago but I laugh everytime I read it! __________________ U.S Navy Veteran - CTT - Naval Security Group Guns: XD9SC with Heinie Straight 8 Night Sights CZ P-01 with Meprolights - green/green EAA Witness (Tangfolio) Elite Match .45 Taurus PT1911 with Heinie Straight 8 Night Sights Kel-Tec P3AT Fulton Armory FAR-15 Predator, 24" SS 1x12 Barrel w/Mueller TAC II Savage 93R17 BVSS .17 HMR Remington 870 18" 6+1 w/Choate Mark 6

05-18-2008, 09:16 PM	#3
andyg XDTalk 100 Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: SoCal Posts: 132	Those were pretty funny __________________ Be courteous & respectful to everyone you meet, but always have a plan to kill them if the need arises.

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