New Rules For 2008 - XDTalk Forums - Your HS2000/SA-XD Information Source!

hacker15 · 03-05-2008, 06:23 AM

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's just another version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain..Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids:
'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows. Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the as*hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,
' ooooh, you're a HUGE as*hole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering, my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your as*.
And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too
damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait, they're already doing that.
It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
'27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying,
'Do you want fries with that?'

Lazarus · 03-05-2008, 07:12 AM

Some of those were good. I work in a hospital and even at like 4 years of age they still put the age in months

polykarp · 03-05-2008, 07:19 AM

Sometimes I'm generous and make a run to Starbucks for my team at work... there is one person in particular who orders that same drink (so close sounding at least)!!! It's so true!!!

I enjoyed that post, thanks for digging it up.

bitone40 · 03-05-2008, 07:24 AM

I love George Carlin. I have all his cd's . Damm is that like the baseball card thing he was talking about, man i hope not

tomfoolery · 03-05-2008, 07:27 AM

HAHA....nice

eyesopened · 03-05-2008, 07:56 AM

Lighten up Francis

**tracker366** · 03-05-2008, 08:48 AM

Man it was just a post not a presidential address

I thought it was good

hacker15 · 03-05-2008, 11:29 AM

Gentlemen - thanks for the defense. True, I don't check everything that I post, but then again, few of us do.

Maybe some guy wearing sackcloth underwear wants us to, but I have better things to do with my time than research everything that looks and sounds funny and I believe others will find the same.

To the sackcloth wearer, sorry about that, but that's the way things go. If you don't like the material, remember Hacker15's favorite rule:

"ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR MOUSE BUTTONS"

If you think you might have a problem with the post, please - do us all a favor and skip the LEFT CLICK on it. This way, you won't be irritated and the rest of us can get a much needed laugh over a joke....

Thanks!

**AZXD** · 03-05-2008, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pltybx

What the he** does being on the web since its inception have anything to do with it??

I'm sorry Hacker, I know you've already stated your mind on this fool but I think he's totally out of line. Everyday I check this forum and when I see you've posted your jokes, I know I'm in for a smile and a chuckle and it's very much appreciated.

Someone needs to pull their BVD's out of their rectal fissure.

IMHO

I hope you don't mind, but I just had to add this to my signature

justgotback · 03-05-2008, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AZXD

I hope you don't mind, but I just had to add this to my signature

I agree AZ, that is pretty funny!

03-05-2008, 06:23 AM	#1
hacker15 XDTalk 3K Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 3,600	New Rules For 2008 GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's just another version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain..Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows. Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ashole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet, ' ooooh, you're a HUGE ashole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering, my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your as. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' __________________ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.* Mark Twain

03-05-2008, 07:12 AM	#2
Lazarus XDTalk 5K Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: New Jersey Posts: 5,027	Some of those were good. I work in a hospital and even at like 4 years of age they still put the age in months __________________ You never know what you'll miss until its gone.

03-05-2008, 07:19 AM	#3
polykarp XDTalk 500 Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: TEXAS Posts: 541	Sometimes I'm generous and make a run to Starbucks for my team at work... there is one person in particular who orders that same drink (so close sounding at least)!!! It's so true!!! I enjoyed that post, thanks for digging it up. __________________ An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie, for an excuse is a lie guarded ~ Pope John Paul II XD .45 Service NRA Member

03-05-2008, 07:27 AM	#5
tomfoolery XDTalk 5K Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 5,235	HAHA....nice __________________ "It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees." "One is none, two is one, and three is just a good time." Clint Smith, referring to the number of guns you carry daily.

03-05-2008, 08:48 AM	#7
tracker366 XDTalk 100 Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: kankakee county Illinois Posts: 345	Man it was just a post not a presidential address I thought it was good __________________ SPRINGFIELD ARMORY XD-9x19 Tactical Born 7/18/07 2750 Rounds as of 9/6/08

03-05-2008, 07:24 AM	#4
bitone40 XDTalk Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: houston Posts: 70	I love George Carlin. I have all his cd's . Damm is that like the baseball card thing he was talking about, man i hope not

03-05-2008, 07:56 AM	#6
eyesopened XDTalk 100 Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 493	Lighten up Francis

03-05-2008, 11:29 AM	#8
hacker15 XDTalk 3K Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Upstate, NY Posts: 3,600	Gentlemen - thanks for the defense. True, I don't check everything that I post, but then again, few of us do. Maybe some guy wearing sackcloth underwear wants us to, but I have better things to do with my time than research everything that looks and sounds funny and I believe others will find the same. To the sackcloth wearer, sorry about that, but that's the way things go. If you don't like the material, remember Hacker15's favorite rule: "ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR MOUSE BUTTONS" If you think you might have a problem with the post, please - do us all a favor and skip the LEFT CLICK on it. This way, you won't be irritated and the rest of us can get a much needed laugh over a joke.... Thanks! __________________ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

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