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[CarryingMarine]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom.

Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon.

[Allstop]

Where are you getting all these?

[Allstop]

T
O
T
P
for good jokes.

[CarryingMarine]

I cant tell you



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences. "

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You've gotta love this ....)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

[CarryingMarine]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

[CarryingMarine]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[CarryingMarine]

Olaf and Sven were fishing on a lace w:st="on">Minnesotalace> lake when Sven pulled
out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

'Ya! I haff a lighter,' he replied. Then reaching into his
tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic
Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'

'Vell,' replied Olaf, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya! It's right here in my tackle box.'

'Can I see him?'

Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops a genie!

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey, dere! I'm a good friend of
your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie
disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there,
waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound
of a million ducks flying directly overhead!

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells,'Yumpin'
Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Oalf answers, 'Ya! I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is
hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?'

[CarryingMarine]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened....

Then
he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When

The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,
they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money

to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear
God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through

Washington D.C. and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[CarryingMarine]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.











Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"













The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.













He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.













Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.













If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.













However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"













At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.













"You gonna try again."

[CarryingMarine]

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...
and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, Mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."