The best movie review ever

[DanTheEldest]

I posted this a while back, but I just re-discovered it on my hard drive. Some harsh language, but it makes me laugh. So there.

300

I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the movie title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated sh*t out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this movie to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to Sin City. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty extra sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE: HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a sh*t if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO: FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudeas are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a d*ck made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART 1 had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING: DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this? IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 is the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

[bat54r]

I have to agree..great review, still laughing. Great post Dan... thanks buddy.

[MadBadger]

Where'd you find this? It sounds like it came from somethingawful.com, or collegehumor.com.

[DanTheEldest]

To tell you the truth, I don't even remember. I think somebody sent it to me in an email when 300 first came out, and I just saved it.

[Noah Mercy]

"...eye boners..."


Giggity giggity!

[cougar_guy04]

Man . . . that review reads like it was written by the same guy that did the Powerthirst videos on Youtube.