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Jokes du Jour!

This is a discussion on Jokes du Jour! within the XDTalk Chatter Box forums, part of the XD Talk category; Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded ...


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Old 09-30-2007, 03:59 PM   #51
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Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."
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"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."
- Henry Varley to DL Moody


"I felt only as a man can feel who is roaming over the prairies of the far West, well armed, and mounted on a fleet and gallant steed." - Buffalo Bill

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Old 09-30-2007, 08:02 PM   #52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sirius1963 View Post
Did you know a Norwegian invented the toilet seat?



Three years later, the Germans cut a hole in it!
This I believe!! Truth: It took 220 years, and it burning down 14 times, before they thought to build the Royal Castle from brick!
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:02 PM   #53
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What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" The Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Zippers scare the sheep.

Scotland!! Where men are men, and sheep are scared!

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:10 PM   #54
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The Eskimos have 217 words for 'Snow'. The French have 382 words for 'Surrender'.

Why do the French always carry a kerchief?
So they're never without a white flag.

Why is the French Foreign Legion one of the most powerful forces in the world?
There are no Frenchmen in it.

What was the only war the French have ever won?
The French Revolution (because they were fighting the French)

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:31 PM   #55
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After 50 years, Rabbi Goldmen was finally retiring. Having saved the skins from every briss he had performed, he wondered what to do with them. He took them to Saul, who worked with leather.

Rabbi Goldmen explained his dilemma to him, to which Saul replied, "Leave them with me, and I will see what I can do. Come back in two weeks."

Two weeks later, Rabbi Goldmen returns and Saul proudly presents him a fine leather wallet.

Rabbi Goldmen seems disappointed, however. "50 years? And this is all it comes to?"

"Ah!," says Saul, "but when you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"


Two old Jewish bitties meet on a street. "Oh, Martha!" one declaims, "How are you? I haven't seen you in forever!"

"A little good, a little bad." Martha replies.

"Bad? What's so bad?" her friend asks.

"My son! He's a fegala!"

"A fegala?! You must be devistated!! What could possibly be good?"

"He's marrying a doctor."
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Last edited by cid_ayrbourne; 09-30-2007 at 08:35 PM.
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Old 10-01-2007, 01:01 PM   #56
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A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
- "I am not a total idiot," the Finn replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."
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  • Rom. 12:12
"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."
- Henry Varley to DL Moody


"I felt only as a man can feel who is roaming over the prairies of the far West, well armed, and mounted on a fleet and gallant steed." - Buffalo Bill

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Old 10-01-2007, 01:02 PM   #57
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There was a sandwich machine in a Swedish factory. Sven didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and paid his ten kroners and got one sandwich. He was so excited, and paid another ten to the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.
Another worker was wondering what Sven was doing:
- "Sven, don't you think you should stop now?"
- "What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"
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  • Rom. 12:12
"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."
- Henry Varley to DL Moody


"I felt only as a man can feel who is roaming over the prairies of the far West, well armed, and mounted on a fleet and gallant steed." - Buffalo Bill

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Old 10-01-2007, 03:56 PM   #58
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Why can't mexicans be firemen?

They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b
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You got to "post" before you can "TOTP!"

  • Rom. 12:12
"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."
- Henry Varley to DL Moody


"I felt only as a man can feel who is roaming over the prairies of the far West, well armed, and mounted on a fleet and gallant steed." - Buffalo Bill

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Old 10-01-2007, 07:50 PM   #59
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Not really a joke, but kinda funny.

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You don’t win anything in a gunfight, you just get to keep what you have.
The loudest sound in the world is a “click” when you need a “bang.”
The second loudest sound in the world is a “bang” when you were expecting a “click.”
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Old 10-02-2007, 12:27 PM   #60
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Hello There, You English: You have just received the "Amish Virus." As we don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Amish Computer Engineering Dept.
God bless!
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You got to "post" before you can "TOTP!"

  • Rom. 12:12
"The world has yet to see what God can do with and for and through and in a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."
- Henry Varley to DL Moody


"I felt only as a man can feel who is roaming over the prairies of the far West, well armed, and mounted on a fleet and gallant steed." - Buffalo Bill

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