How To Drive In Phoenix, Arizona

[PackerfanXD]

If you live here or ever visited, this is a fairly accurate description (especially #6).

1. " Phoenix " actually consists of Scottsdale, Chandler, Tempe, Mesa, Gilbert, Glendale, Surprise, and half of the Mexican border.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler
go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's an offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent in Phoenix Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to
make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, rabbits, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. The SR 51 has recently been renamed to Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn't become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

[AZXD]

Gotta agree
Especially #6
It is estimated there is a 70% chance that a vehicle has a firearm in it at any given time.

But you did miss an item on #9 "I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway" as it is commonly referred to as a parking lot if northbound on friday, or southbound on sunday as people try to beat the heat and leave for the weekend.

[DanTheEldest]

No doubt. You also need to mention that:

13. The little grout-mixer trailers that the "tile workers of dubious immigration status" pull behind their 20-year-old pickups are required by law to have at least one wobbly axle bearing.

14. When trying to merge with faster freeway traffic, the vehicle at the head of the looooong line of "mergers" will be that type of dyslexic driver who views the fact that they're constantly being passed by faster traffic as a clue they need to slow down even more while trying to merge, thus causing the equivalent of a blood clot in a major artery.

15. This one is pretty well universal, but if you want to slow traffic down to about 10 miles an hour in both directions, park a Ford Crown Vic with some flashy lights on the roof on the shoulder. It doesn't even have to be doing anything. It's evidence of some sort of law of physics governing the Universal Law of Rubbernecking, but the exact formula eludes me at the moment.

[nick19]

I love #7. Here is Palm Beach County we have Southern Blvd which is also SR80 and SR7 and I think US441. Anyway, Southern Blvd has been under construction since I think the early 1900's.

FDOT put up huge message boards warning of a "pattern change" for over a week. The morning of the change there was a huge backup as people stopped in the middle of the road or followed the original pattern right through the barrels.

Now I'll copy your very funny list, change it around to match S. Florida, take it into work and claim it as my own. Just kidding. I will send it to my Cousin in Mesa.

[beardman2]

Awesome.

you forgot one though. for all that is holy do NOT look at the drivers next to you at the light. My wife came from the midwest where it is ok to look at people. Good lord I thought she was going to get us shot.

Or my favorite is when you know you have a brake light out and plate that just expired and there is cop next to you she insists on turning around to see if he is going to pull behind us! I'm sure this wouldn't draw his attention at all

[Bidah]

Man does that bring back memories...

How about smash the gas when the light goes green, racing as fast as you can go till you hit the RED (not Yellow) next light and slamming on your brakes. All this time you have been constantly changing lanes, along with everyone else.

If you leave more than a bumper length in front of you and the next car, someone will take it. I contend that you could actually go backwards down the freeway trying to avoid this issue..

[So Flo]

I've driven a number of times in the Phoenix/Scottsdale/Tempe area and live in Palm Beach County...I agree with everything noted about both here!

[wombat13]

Very funny list. Once you get used to driving in that environment it can be hard to go back. My wife and I lived in Chicago for three years and when we moved back to WNY we couldn't stand the drivers here. Here's what typically happens when you arrive at a redlight:

As you approach the red light you pull in behind a Buick with a driver aged somewhere between 55 and 85. The light changes green and you can almost hear the Buick driver's inner monologue: "Did the light change green? I think it did change green. Is there any traffic coming that might not stop for the light? I better look both ways. Okay, I think it's safe to go now." The whole process takes 2 to 3 seconds during which none of the cars at the light beep their horn.

My wife and I call it the Rochester Double Take. In Chicago you've got less than half a second between the green and the first horn.

The other problem here is that 10% of the drivers change lanes without looking at all and the rest refuse to change lanes until they have at least five car lengths of space in front of the car in the next lane.

Oh how I miss driving in a town where people are busy and want to get where they're going!

[Bilt4Comfort]

Most folks can't relate to number 12...but you better believe it.

[beardman2]

Originally Posted by wombat13

Very funny list. Once you get used to driving in that environment it can be hard to go back. My wife and I lived in Chicago for three years and when we moved back to WNY we couldn't stand the drivers here. Here's what typically happens when you arrive at a redlight:

As you approach the red light you pull in behind a Buick with a driver aged somewhere between 55 and 85. The light changes green and you can almost hear the Buick driver's inner monologue: "Did the light change green? I think it did change green. Is there any traffic coming that might not stop for the light? I better look both ways. Okay, I think it's safe to go now." The whole process takes 2 to 3 seconds during which none of the cars at the light beep their horn.

My wife and I call it the Rochester Double Take. In Chicago you've got less than half a second between the green and the first horn.

The other problem here is that 10% of the drivers change lanes without looking at all and the rest refuse to change lanes until they have at least five car lengths of space in front of the car in the next lane.

Oh how I miss driving in a town where people are busy and want to get where they're going!

I feel for you. My in-laws live in a small town in MI. Actually they live outside a small town. I guess U-turns are illegal in MI? Anyway everytime they are out here they want to go to new places. never anywhere we've been before so it almost always requires a U-turn to which I get *GASP* from the back seat.

Last christmas I got payback. my MIL was messing with the rear seat recline position. Just as my wife got her to pull the tab so it was released the light turn green and I goosed it. She went flying back. Everyone laughed there butts off thankfully.