The Rules of the Southern Mind

[TomSwift]

The Rules of the Southern Mind

In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red Georgia clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a "flathead" breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.

6. Pull your pants up - You look like an idiot!

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweet? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar SUV / car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked "hawg" jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. We have four seasons.....Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.

25. We can have a good suntan by the first day of Spring!!!!


American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God. (Amen!)

[JimLongley]

Amen!

Even if obviously written by someone in Knoxville TN who has no idea that I40 goes through OK not KS.

[Lumberjack98]

Originally Posted by JimLongley

Amen!

+1

[tbrd]

good post! AMEN+1
born in Va., lived in Tn., retired in Fl.
miss the good people up there.

[FatMatt1981]

For some reason everytime I read things like that it makes me feel warm inside, and proud to be American. Even though I'm a Yankee, I can relate to 99% of em. Passed down from Grandma to Grandson for generations. All but the gator part.
I think that maybe instead of a southern thing...simple things such as what was listed is the classic American way of living for a good part of the population.
People seem to have lost touch with all the simple things, in the constant bickerin back and forth, in life that truly makes us free. Left wing, right wing, we all share common things that make us unique people in this world. Even if it's only "smellin the mornin" coffee. Yet we can find reasons to raise hell to the point of war over dumb crap.
We still have the privelage of bein able to go as we please....think as we please.....etc. No matter what's goin on in the world.
Maybe I'm wrong....?
"Human by birth...American by the grace of God"

God Bless us all

[Brickboy240]

You forgot to mention the cottonmouths on the water hazards.

I'd rather deal with a rattlesnake anyday, over a cottonmouth.

...any other southerners want to chime in on the lovely cottonmouth pit viper? I guarantee you they have no snakes like that up north!

-Brickboy240

[Brad Johnson]

Just in case y'all happen to make it to west Texas, here's some rules for livin' in Lubbock. You may not get some of the jokes, but that's okay. There's still hope for you....

-----------------------------------------------------------

Critical Surival Information for Lubbock, TX

Lubbock has many houses of worship. The two largest are Jones Stadium and United Spirit Arena.

Lubbock has the annual "Taste of Lubbock". This is not to be confused with the event during dust storm season, known as the "Taste of Lubbock Landscape".

Lubbock is tolerant of all sexes, temperaments, races, creeds, colors, and sexual orientations just as long as they are a good coach.

Lubbock encourages alcohol sales by putting all the liquor stores are just outside the city limits. That way, you have to buy an extra sixer for the drive home.

The two biggests sports in Lubbock are 1) Tech Football, and 2) the drunken brawl after the game.

Lubbock has a ten-year wierdness cycle. In the early 70's it was a tornado. In the early 80's it was the expected appearance of the Virgin Mary. In the early 90's it was an earthquake (okay, so it was actually in Odessa. Close 'nuff). In the early 2000's it was a Tech professor making up stories about destroying a batch of deadly viruses. Statisticians predict the cycle will continue in the early 2000-teens when a Lubbock driver will intentionally use a turn signal.

The two hardest things to find in Lubbock are bad barbeque and a good parking space near Texas Tech.

The Lubbock paper publishes a daily prayer on the front page. It's appropriate given the fact that there isn't a prayer of finding anything else worth reading in there.

Yes, we have a newscaster who's name sounds like "Abnormal Testes".

All traffic directions begin with "Get on the Loop" and end with "Get off the Loop". Unfortunately they usually omit the middle part - "..if you survive the Loop".

It took 3 decades for Lubbock to forgive Buddy Holly for being a heathen rock & roll singer and finally honor him for being a music pioneer. Given this history, Natalie Maines doesn't stand a chance.

Lubbock has a somewhat successful minor league hockey franchise. They are certain that it is because of the sport's popularity, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it's the only sporting event in Lubbock where you can buy beer.

Sometime in the far future, when archeologists dig up the centuries-old remains of Lubbock, we are pretty sure that the Loop will still be under construction.

AND FOR DEALING WITH THE TYPICAL LUBBOCKITE.....

Lubbock is the heart and soul of West Texas. People from Amarillo, Midland, or Odessa are just wannabes. And don't you forget it.

"Lamesa" can only be properly pronounced by a native. Forget what your high school spanish teacher taught you, it's "luh-mee-suh" and everybody knows it.

Most bizarre actions can usually be accredited to the individual being from Amarillo.

An hour of thunder and lightning will produce no rain, while a small cloud north of town will dump enough water in 5 minutes to cause massive city-wide flooding.

Local TV forecasters, being both sadists and manic depressives, will warn you to run for the hills at the first sign of rain, but report 4-inch hail covering the entire south half of Lubbock as "an unconfirmed severe weather event".

It's not a dust storm until you can't see your driveway from your front door. Everything else is "just a little wind and blowing dust".

Lubbock has it's own set of traffic rules. They are as follows:
- Tailgating is mandatory.
- A person intering from a side street is required to wait until you are less than 50 yards away before pulling out into the street.
- The Loop has no beginning, no end, and the speed limit signs are there only as an amusing suggestion.
- The morning rush hour is from 7:55 to 8:05, and the afternoon rush hour is from 4:55 to 5:30. The extra time for evening rush hour is to give you time to pick up some bar-b-que for dinner.
- A traffic jam means you have to wait for the light to change twice.
- One snowflake will means you must drive 20 mph under the speed limit. Four inches of snow or ice requires that you drive 20 mph over the speed limit.
- Actually slowing down for a yellow light will usually result in a call to your insurance agent.
- Entry and exit ramps are there only as a recommendation. Feel free to use any flat spot adjacent to the roadway.

[manygunner]

I never liked hot, humid weather. Now I have good reasons not to experience it...Ever again. The only time I visited the south was in USMC at several of their fine resort locations (Parris Island, SC was one). Now I know what I did not miss. I prefer the Southwest, which is nice and hot and dry, the people go to church mainly on Sunday only, steak is served instead of pork and grits and greens have been replaced with okra. . Too bad jobs were more available here in the PacNW.

[Brickboy240]

Brad,

That was great! I loved living in Lubbock, and yes all of that is true.

I am a ex-Red Raider...class of 1989!

-Brickboy240

[FatMatt1981]

"I guarantee you they have no snakes like that up north! "
OH we don't do we? What the heck is this?
http://herpcenter.ipfw.edu/index.htm...Cottonmouth/&2

We gots rattlers up hea too!
http://herpcenter.ipfw.edu/index.htm...Rattlesnake/&2
http://herpcenter.ipfw.edu/index.htm...Rattlesnake/&2