10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

[orrminator]

JD's thread about double piercings and such remind me of this and was too lazy to make sure this is not a repeat so here it is:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[NBollinger]

Good rules....I'll pass to my 18 year old daughter.

[FrankRizzoXD40]

LOL!

Any thoughts from jdavionic on these rules? Do you use the same rules, or similar ones?

Frank

[Tweeter]

Rule 9 I use and tell people now, My oldest is 7. I have the land and a back hoe!!

[Batman_ACP]

Quality writing...I would only add..

When my 13 year old developed... to my amazement...the chest area that resembled the warheads of an ICBM. I was awakened one night around OH - Dark- Thirty to sounds emanating from the west wing...My daughters BAQ!!!

I then proceeded to flank the perimeter in an effort to meet the objective with precision dispatch and due diligence. Upon my arrival I encountered 5, Non-Indigenous Personnel in obvious covert recon of my daughter’s silos...be advised...this area is well known and readily identified... at the perimeter as a secure area.

Knowing that My daughter at this age was innocent, friendly and not yet aware of or had previous training in recognizing the subtleness of enemies who use local languages and customs to appear friendly...for the sole purpose of gathering Intel used to strategize future operational objectives. I became concerned about this obvious potential.

Reverting to training I surveyed the area and ascertained that there were no other support units operating in the immediate OA. With this knowledge I proceeded to secure the NIP's and in accordance to SOP and ROE, then proceeded with interrogation. These operatives stated that they were each associated with different family units but refused to admit their unified objective in this operation.

Since I had no real proof that these operatives were in fact Threating and no secure information had been conveyed. I was forced to release these operatives after identifying each. I provided each with documents stating that they had entered a secure area and any future transgressions would be dealt with extreme prejudice.

Realizing I had a severe breach in security. I decided to incorporate more advanced technology. I installed advanced motion sensors precisely placed on the west wing gable designed to trigger high volume aqueous dispersement mines.

I also installed data loggers to track alarm conditions that may not be noticed during changing of the guard and incorporated backup generators in advent of power failures.

In performance of these upgrades, I also provided training to my daughter to educate her in the covert methods used by male operators to gain access to secure areas.

I can safely say I no longer have nor had any more breaches although, I have had several alarm conditions but there were no penetrations.

I was informed last week by my now 27 year old daughter that a new recruit will be inducted around 15 Aug 07. I consider this an operational success and ribbons shall be awarded.

[bkelm18]

If I found some dudes in my backyard trying to sneak a peak at my daughter, the gun safe would be quickly and securely locked because I'm pretty sure my rage would quickly become out of control.

[Brickboy240]

Love the part about the pants!

Seriously, I don't know how you younger guys wear those things!

LOL

- Brickboy240

[Miguel]

Originally Posted by Batman_ACP

Quality writing...I would only add..

When my 13 year old developed... to my amazement...the chest area that resembled the warheads of an ICBM. I was awakened one night around OH - Dark- Thirty to sounds emanating from the west wing...My daughters BAQ!!!

I then proceeded to flank the perimeter in an effort to meet the objective with precision dispatch and due diligence. Upon my arrival I encountered 5, Non-Indigenous Personnel in obvious covert recon of my daughter’s silos...be advised...this area is well known and readily identified... at the perimeter as a secure area.

Knowing that My daughter at this age was innocent, friendly and not yet aware of or had previous training in recognizing the subtleness of enemies who use local languages and customs to appear friendly...for the sole purpose of gathering Intel used to strategize future operational objectives. I became concerned about this obvious potential.

Reverting to training I surveyed the area and ascertained that there were no other support units operating in the immediate OA. With this knowledge I proceeded to secure the NIP's and in accordance to SOP and ROE, then proceeded with interrogation. These operatives stated that they were each associated with different family units but refused to admit their unified objective in this operation.

Since I had no real proof that these operatives were in fact Threating and no secure information had been conveyed. I was forced to release these operatives after identifying each. I provided each with documents stating that they had entered a secure area and any future transgressions would be dealt with extreme prejudice.

Realizing I had a severe breach in security. I decided to incorporate more advanced technology. I installed advanced motion sensors precisely placed on the west wing gable designed to trigger high volume aqueous dispersement mines.

I also installed data loggers to track alarm conditions that may not be noticed during changing of the guard and incorporated backup generators in advent of power failures.

In performance of these upgrades, I also provided training to my daughter to educate her in the covert methods used by male operators to gain access to secure areas.

I can safely say I no longer have nor had any more breaches although, I have had several alarm conditions but there were no penetrations.

I was informed last week by my now 27 year old daughter that a new recruit will be inducted around 15 Aug 07. I consider this an operational success and ribbons shall be awarded.

Holy grand children Batman!! Congratulations Bat-GrandPa!!

[titus_1133]

I am both terrified and hopeful that one day i'll have a daughter. I also think that low and behold every time she would bring home a date would be the night to clean the shotgun, pistol, rifle, and test out the rope and rocks that could easily be tied to a boys foot if he ran so afoul.

[Lumberjack98]

Great post Batman!!

Congratulations on becoming a Grandfather.