a few jokes

[Louisiana Hunter]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller said
to the bigger one, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger'n
me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmmm. Where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parking lot by the
Capitol."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em by the leg, shake the **** out
of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you get done shakin'
the **** out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole
and a briefcase."

[Louisiana Hunter]

> > Don't let anyone tell you that Cajun's aren't smart
> > !!
> > >>
> > >> DWI - LOUISIANA STYLE
> > >>
> > >> Only a person in Louisiana could think of this.
> > >> From the parish where drunk driving is
> > considered a
> > >> Sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine
> > >> Police patrol parked outside a bar in Houma ,
> > >> Louisiana .
> > >> After last call the officer noticed a man
> > leaving the
> > >> Bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
> > >> The man stumbled around the parking lot for a
> > few
> > >> Minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
> > After
> > >> What seemed an eternity in which he tried his
> > keys
> > >> On five different vehicles, the man managed to
> > find
> > >> His car and fall in to it. He sat there for a
> > few
> > >> Minutes as a number of other patrons left the
> > bar
> > >> And drove off. Finally he started the car,
> > switched
> > >> The wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer
> > >> Night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a
> > >> Couple of times, honked the horn and then
> > switched on
> > >> The lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
> > inches,
> > >> Reversed a little and then remained still
> > >> For a few more minutes as some more of the other
> > >> Patrons''s vehicles left.
> > >> At last, when his was the only car left in the
> > parking
> > >> Lot , he pulled out and drove slowly down the
> > road.
> > >> The police officer, having waited patiently all
> > this
> > >> Time, now started up his patrol car, put on the
> > >> Flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
> > >> And administered a breathalyzer test. To his
> > >> Amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no
> > evidence that
> > >> The man had consumed any alcohol at all!
> > >> Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask
> > you
> > >> To accompany me to the police station.
> > >> This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
> > >> "I doubt it," said the truly proud Coonass.
> > >> "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
> >

[Louisiana Hunter]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Cajun are captured by a fierce tribe of
>Indians. The chief walks up to them and says, "I have bad news and good
>news. The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make
>canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die."
>
>The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the
>Frenchman
>shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.
>
>The Englishman says, "A pistol for me." When given the pistol, the
>Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, "God save the queen!" and
>shoots himself
>in the head.
>
>The Cajun axs's for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the Cajun a fork, and
>he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his
>chest ... everywhere. As the blood from the Cajun begins gushing out all
>over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?" The Cajun
>looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, Cher!".
>
>DON'T MESS WITH A CAJUN
>

[Louisiana Hunter]

FBI Job Opening

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The
Agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil.

Don't mess with them.

[Louisiana Hunter]

A LOVE STORY TRULY FROM THE HEART
>
> This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
> When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
> "What did you steal?"
>
> She replied, "A can of peaches."
>
> The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of
>peaches
> and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked
>her
> how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
>
> The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in
>jail."
>
> Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment,
>the
> woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could
>say
> something.
>
> The judge said, "What is it?"
>
> The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
>

[Louisiana Hunter]

Subject: Banned from Wal-mart
Some of these are funnier than others...but it's good for a chuckle or two.



Smiles,




Dear Mrs. Cozad,

Over the past six months, your husband, old Joe has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Cozad have been compiled and are listed
below.

Mr. Wally Underwood
President and CEO of Wal-Mart Complaint Department


MEMO:

Re: Mr. Joe Cozad - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Cozad has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
differnt size funnels.



13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Arps]

Thank you. Thats a good way to start the day!

[Louisiana Hunter]

Love to help and more to come.

[Louisiana Hunter]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
>table. Ellen, a very
>attractive blonde woman from Bradenton, Florida,
>arrived and bet
>twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll
>of the dice. She
>said, "I
>hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
>play topless." With
>that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and
>yelled, "Come on,
>baby,
>Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
>As the dice came to a stop Ellen jumped up and down
>and squealed . "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
>
>She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
>her winnings and her
>clothes and quickly departed.
>The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
>Finally, one of them asked,
>"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't
>know - I thought you
>were
>watching."
>Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid and not all
>blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
>

[oklawall]

those are good