Here's some good one-liners

[Son of Norway]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you,"says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[TrickyVic]

kinda funny, uhh thanks.

[DigMe]

Did you ever see that comic Jay London that was on Last Comic Standing Seasons 2 and 3?

He's an old-style schtick comic and he had some pretty good dumb-funny one-liners (Along with some bad ones):

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

You know what burns me? Matches.

brad cook

[Meta4]

#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

-James

[phaetos]

"I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling"

I actually like that one