EDC & the wife - at odds with each other

[PistolEd]

I'm not a marital expert, so take this with a total grain of salt... However, at work we've been working on a communication program called the "language of caring" and the first lesson was called "Heart, Head, Heart". I work with a bunch of women and many many times I've heard "I wish my husband would talk this way". So, this might be worth a shot...

The way it works is to wrap your communication with something "from the heart" first. Then talk "from the head" and then close with a "from the heart" statement.

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Here is how I envision it might work...

Wife: Ugh, why do you need that "thing"...

Husband: (Heart) I realize you don't like me wearing a weapon. (Head) It is important to me to be able to protect my family and I take this choice very seriously. (Heart) I would really like to talk with you about my choice when we have time.

----

It might take several iterations of that heart head heart and for men it is INCREDIBLY difficult to do this on the fly without practice. I've been working on it for two months and its still difficult. The point is to acknowledge that she has feelings about this too.

I would also try to trickle news articles where a handgun has been used to prevent or save a person. There are lots of good links to articles on this site and the NRA does a pretty good job of putting a list in their 1st Freedom's magazine. That would help with two things, one that the world can be a dangerous place, and two that weapons can be used safely.

Good luck, because some people just aren't open to the idea of having a weapon of any kind with them. I think our long detachment from any kind of hardship has led to this false sense of security that "nothing will happen to me". That is why some people are so shocked when anything goes wrong outside of their perfect little world.

[TripmasterNC]

^ great advice.
My wife is supportive of my feelings but probably deep down doesn't like it. Its OK because I compromise on so many other things that she likes. Such as buying expensive purses or clothing, etc. It helps that we come from similar political backgrounds and both are fervent patriots. When all else fails it helps to be able to note that it is our right as Americans to bear arms and that we do so in case anyone were to threaten our family's safety.

Good luck and be persistent in a submissive way. (If that makes sense). Eventually a strong relationship can turn things around when it come to minor disagreements. Also I believe in trying to get her involved somehow. My way was buying her and her best friend a small fenix flashlight that strobed and had a scalloped edge for self defense. Hehehe. Sneaky but effective. Next thing she will want pepper spray or even a heater to call her own!!

[stuz92]

Originally Posted by PistolEd

----

Here is how I envision it might work...

Wife: Ugh, why do you need that "thing"...

Husband: (Heart) I realize you don't like me wearing a weapon. (Head) It is important to me to be able to protect my family and I take this choice very seriously. (Heart) I would really like to talk with you about my choice when we have time.

----

It might take several iterations of that heart head heart and for men it is INCREDIBLY difficult to do this on the fly without practice. I've been working on it for two months and its still difficult. The point is to acknowledge that she has feelings about this too.

I would also try to trickle news articles where a handgun has been used to prevent or save a person. There are lots of good links to articles on this site and the NRA does a pretty good job of putting a list in their 1st Freedom's magazine. That would help with two things, one that the world can be a dangerous place, and two that weapons can be used safely.

Good luck, because some people just aren't open to the idea of having a weapon of any kind with them. I think our long detachment from any kind of hardship has led to this false sense of security that "nothing will happen to me". That is why some people are so shocked when anything goes wrong outside of their perfect little world.

THis ^^ looks like good advice, your wife has to decide for herself and come to terms in her own time.

I was lucky, my wife wanted hers after i got mine. She picked up her own 9mm with my help and then trained with me and some other , then went for her permit.

Good luck with your wife.

[fedmanshooter]

Good luck, Have had some of the same problems. I didnt start carrying until I went to a training course. Decided I wanted my CCL, went and got them. Then the Florida incident happened, she pointed out could have been avoided, maybe, maybe not. I pointed out could have been the total opposite, each incident has its own circumstances and I would like to be prepared regardless. She only says something now when she sees me put it on or take it off.

[psguardian]

Wow! 2 pages of replies & not a single notice... Maybe this post will subscribe me to MY OWN THREAD!

Thanks for the replies everyone, great points in here. I like the heart/head/heart method, i'm decently 'quick-on-my-feet' when it comes to words so I'll try this one for sure.

She knows the logic behind me owning & carrying, she just doesn't think I need to carry unless we're expecting trouble. She has only been shooting once & it was not a very good experience, she had not been warned of the recoil nor the auto reloading function of a semi-auto pistol... The result was that she held it away from her after the first shot as if ready to drop a used rag on the floor, this nnearly shot the owner in the foot because it was hanging from her finger in the trigger guard. She wants a Home Defense Gun that could turn into her EDC in the future, but the logic behind EDC still escapes her.

I am planning to get her some range time this summer. Need to find a few smaller models for her to try, i'm thinking when the XDs 9mm is released it may be a candidate. Though I doubt it will come in pink as she wants lol. Any suggestions for a .38 or 9mm compact semi-auto? (she doesn't like the look or operation of a wheel gun)

In a strange turn of events, I got a positive comment from her about carrying last night! We had a birthday party to go to RIGHT as I got home from work, it started an hour before I got off work so we had to hustle! I walked in & was reminded we have to leave, now! I head upstairs to change shirts & donned my supertuck & XDm. 2hrs into our visit I notice one if the hangers on my holster are loose, asked my buddy for a screw driver. He asks why, I tell him & he is surprised because he couldn't tell I had it on (love this holster). fastforward 3hrs, we head home & stop for fuel at our local 711/shell station. The lot is PACKED & so are the pumps, lot of rather questionable elements in the crowd. This is also the place there was a shooting a couple weeks ago. As we are about to pull out of the pumps she say to go right, nearest driveway to us (but opposite of our homeward path). I point out an emerging mob of teens blocking that driveway & go left through the parking lot. She gets notably anxious due to the press of cars & people, as we exit she sighs saying "just get me away from all these idiots!". I chuckle & say "it's ok baby, I have a very loud teaching aid if these idiots end up needing a lesson." Wife: "What do you mean?" Me: "I have a CHL for a reason babe." Wife: "You mean you had that with us the whole time?" Me: "Yup, since I got home from work." (here is the positive part) Wife: "Niiiicccce."

Only my buddy ever had a clue & that was at need, though he had no qualms with EDC I don't point it out to anyone unless it's a must. I think it was the first time she was happy for it's presence outside the home.

~psguardian

[Repo]

I think some people just have cognitive dissonance or whatever and it's too painful for them to accept that bad things can really happen. I don't think there's much you can really do with those people, that's just the way they think.

You could keep an eye out for news stories of places you have been to or go to quite often getting robbed, and point it out (don't be a know-it-all), and say wow we could have been there, can you IMAGINE what it would be like if we had been there? What if they ordered us to the back room to execute all the witnesses??

Try and have her visualize herself being in a scenario like that, and it's not just on TV it's real life, at places you have been to. Hopefully something will click and the gravity of it will sink in. Bring it up casually like when your driving some place "oh yah I saw that the health food store got robbed the other day, can you imagine what it would have been like if we had been there?"

Don't try to force it though she has to feel like she came to that realization by her self.

The other thing.. no offense but maybe she doesn't feel that you're competent to carry a gun?

If you haven't done any training beyond target practice maybe you could do a carry course at Thunder Ranch there in OR, and start doing IDPA.

[Repo]

The other trick... my wife always expresses a sudden interest in guns when she's sees some other woman she knows on facebook shooting or talking about guns. They are suckers for trying to keep up with each other like that. If any of your friends wifes are in to shooting maybe they can "turn" her.

[HowardMan]

it seems like she may be warming up to the idea of edc which is nice. there are so many logical arguments against only wearing it when youre expecting trouble such as "ok then ill only wear my seatbelt when im expecting to get in an accident"but logical arguments arent always cut and dry with a significant other. i think the heart/head/heart arguments have a good chance of success even though it would drive me nuts phrasing things like that haha.

[pual0101]

Originally Posted by psguardian

She knows the logic behind me owning & carrying, she just doesn't think I need to carry unless we're expecting trouble.
~psguardian

Tell her if you knew when to expect trouble you wouldn't need a gun, you'd just avoid it. The gun is for all the situations you cannot avoid.

[psguardian]

Well frig, going to have to hit subscribe, still no notices....

Originally Posted by Repo

...The other thing.. no offense but maybe she doesn't feel that you're competent to carry a gun?

If you haven't done any training beyond target practice maybe you could do a carry course at Thunder Ranch there in OR, and start doing IDPA.

This is a fine point, no offense taken, she has no question in my competency, only in the lethality of the tool and it's proximity to her & the kids when there is no perceived threat. I haven't the time or funds for IDPA currently, though I wouldn't be opposed to it in the future.

Originally Posted by Repo

The other trick... my wife always expresses a sudden interest in guns when she's sees some other woman she knows on facebook shooting or talking about guns. They are suckers for trying to keep up with each other like that. If any of your friends wifes are in to shooting maybe they can "turn" her.

I only have one female friend who shoots, her father is an instructor for the county lol. She is as strongly for EDC as I am, though not much luck in the 'turn her' department
yet.

Originally Posted by HowardMan

it seems like she may be warming up to the idea of edc which is nice. there are so many logical arguments against only wearing it when youre expecting trouble such as "ok then ill only wear my seatbelt when im expecting to get in an accident"but logical arguments arent always cut and dry with a significant other. i think the heart/head/heart arguments have a good chance of success even though it would drive me nuts phrasing things like that haha.

The seatbelt comment would likely loose me ground lol, but I like it. I KNOW heart/head/heart is going to drive me a little batty, but she will also recognize the tactic. I think she will respond positively to it, because she will see the effort being put into NOT trying to force her to my way of thinking.

~psguardian

Originally Posted by pual0101

Tell her if you knew when to expect trouble you wouldn't need a gun, you'd just avoid it. The gun is for all the situations you cannot avoid.